Dad Guilt
The hardest and most astounding part of the last 3 years of my life is the guilt I feel. Now I don't mean astounding as in important or meaningful but thing that I didn't expect and was least prepared to handle. My life is no longer my own and hasn't been since I got married. One of those things you know but really sets in with the first kiddo. The second just jumps up and says "anything you had planned or wanted to do now has to have me and my brother in mind FOREVER."
This means in effect and feeling; No Days Off, No Coping Out, No Free Passes, Responsibility for Everything They Do or Anything That Happens Under Your Roof and NO CHECKING OUT EARLY. If and when something is not accomplished then it lands on me. Prioritization is key and living with the constant failures has been a learning experience. Maybe seeing it as failures is a mistake from a psychology stance but there it is, deal with it.
How you learn to deal with the additional stress without cracking becomes an everyday every minute challenge. Every coping mechanism should be safe, lasting, cheap and EFFECTIVE. If it isn't effective then its a waste and you don't have time for that anymore. Safe does not just mean physical but also emotional, spiritual and overall mental. You have to consider the effect on you and your family with every coping mechanism. They are not all created equal. Emotional and spiritual your mileage may vary but keep them in mind.
Now why am I even thinking about this? What today, right now is happening that has caused me to think of this at the expense of everything else? My daughter is as I type screaming her little pretty head off 2 hours travel by car away from me and there is nothing I can do to help. I have my pen and my phone but right now nothing trumps distance, capability and responsibility. It is slowly destroying my ability to think and understand what is currently going on around me.
Lets put that in frame so it makes sense. My family was tongue tied and if we have another child we will have a scheduled "revision" for the day after they are born. These days it is not a big deal at all as long as it is caught early on and snipped with a simple use of a scissors (yep a nice sharp basic scissors) or a laser. Love the laser, OMFG it is a freaking LASER!!!! with instantly cauterized wounds. Sometimes, like any procedure involving the amazing human body, it requires an additional minor but still very real surgery when it regrows or additional tissue is exposed as the child grows. Today we went back to a down right amazing orthodontic surgeon and it went really well.
The problem as we knew it would only surfaced once we got home and after a few hours. Now with all things "and then they cut it off of me" it hurts once the numbing agent wears off. Trust me, its not something you cannot just work through but it is unpleasant at best. M daughter is 10 months old and like everyone that age can really only tell us it is painful and she is unhappy in 1 simple and effective way. It is loud, it takes away my ability to think effectively and it is unpleasant.
We do what we can and we do what we must. Keep Calm and Carry On.
